What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
