you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
