We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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