shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize