When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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