His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
