if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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