I hate your face
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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