it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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