I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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