His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
