i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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