So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
