I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The power of my boobs compel you
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
