Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
