i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
