I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
