If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
