Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
