No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
