you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
