I looked at my own cervix.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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