apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
