...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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