I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He felt like a one man threesome
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
