I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
