i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
