I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
