apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
