Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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