so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I think I won the penis lottery.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
