I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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