Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Randomize
