Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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