that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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