I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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