Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
