we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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