was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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