Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
