youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize