Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
