We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
