i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize
