My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize