You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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