Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You need Xanax blowdarts
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
