i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He told me they were just razor bumps!
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize