You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
