Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
