Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I think I sprained my soul last night
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize