Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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