I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
