The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
