T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
