no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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