I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
