After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
