I wish life had little blips of pornography
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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